Keeping Up With The Kardashians Needs To Die

Start Rant

I have had the misfortune the past few Sunday nights (I think it was that day) of being in the same room while my wife made herself become dumber by joining every other girl I know, and I am assuming half of the world’s female population, that is, I’m hoping it is no more than half, in watching the somehow successful Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

So successful thathglkkh…Sorry I just fell off my chair. I just looked it up.

12

There are 12 seasons of this garbage. All I can ask myself is how? My faith in humanity and the future of this world died well over a decade ago, but I have been brought to new lows. This show is bad, and stupid, and really, really, bad. Oh and it’s also boring. So boring it should be banned from television and wiped from all the unfortunate souls who have seen or heard this.

I have only witnessed maybe a half hour collectively of the show since, I guess, season…cringe…12 started up, and within 10 seconds of listening to them drone on about literally nothing infuriates me to the point of wanting to burn down my house for having a television that had that show on stand in my living room. My house is tainted from the sound waves that carried the shows audio. That is something that you can not just wipe off people! It needs to be burned, and it needs to be purged and stomped from this earth. I need to burn the ashes of my house and then throw them in the ocean and evaporate said ocean with some amazing laser that delivers the direct heat of the sun and explodes…ok that’s enough.

It is just bad. For those lucky enough to have never seen it, or somehow managed to find wives and girlfriends who have not seen it, allow me to explain it. Don’t worry, it’s quite simple.

Imagine you, your siblings, and parents all have video cameras, which they probably do anyway. Now imagine someone was filming them ALL DAY with those cameras. Now edit them all together into an hour long show and whammo. You’ve got “Keeping Up With (Insert Last Name Here).” Oh yeah, but pretend you are millionaires, don’t have jobs or any real problems in your life.

I don’t know about you, but my life is not at all interesting enough to make a show about it, and I’m willing to bet yours isn’t either. But don’t let that stop you, because it sure didn’t get in the way of the Kardashians! Believe me when I tell you they do not have interesting lives at all.

AT ALL!!!!!!

Their lives are about as exciting as the color white

Let me take you through a few of the scenes I remember seeing, the few my memory did not repress completely. I would say spoilers ahead, but nothing happens in this show that anyone could possibly care about. But I obviously am wrong cause again, 12 seasons. Oh my god, I literally just got nauseous seeing that number again.

Hold on to your hats and hair extensions ladies and gentlemen, cause here comes the first scene in my scarred memory. Two of the girls sitting on the couch, and talking about…

EYE LASHES!

That’s right folks…eye lashes…I don’t remember the specifics of the conversation, but man, it had to last like around 2 minutes. That doesn’t sound like much, but 2 minutes of one conversation on television is a very long time. I had never been so bored in my life. I’d rather listen to two chickens cluck at each other every so often. It would have been more intelligent conversation than these two girls!

Girl on right is freaking out because she can’t see girl on lefts eyelashes. But maybe this is a good thing? Maybe her eye lashes are not worthy of television!!? Such is the mystery and draw of this show

 

Hey Reggie, do you think there is a god? And if so, why did he make everything taste like us? That really does not bode well for our survival…

And remember, I was not giving my full attention to this show. I was playing Pokemon on my 3DS or something in the same room, and suddenly I found myself wanting to jump in my game and strangle my Kanghaskan and his little baby in the pouch, that’s how aggravatingly boring it was.

Another part I remember is like an obscene amount of time spent on one of the women being so nervous about going to NYC for a fashion show or something. Oh no, it was an interview on some TV show. But one of them was nervous about a fashion show probably, don’t worry. Others complain about what to wear to such and such occasion, so and so didn’t defend her sister when someone disliked something on Facebook. You know, all the problems real people have, our day to day struggles just to get by and survive paycheck to check, if we even get one. Those problems somehow seem minute compared to our darling Kardashians. Clearly every viewer flocks to listen to them talk about the “problems,” so that they can feel better about their own. Our lives are so much better than these poor women that I feel truly blessed at how we benefit from the wealth in this country.

 

 

 

But to really sum up the show for you, here is what happens. They lounge around in their various mansions, talk, go out to some fancy restaurant while they talk about what they want to order. If we are really lucky, we get to watch them eat it too! And they talk in between mouthfuls of course.

Then they are back on their couches that probably cost more than my car, in their fancy clothes that cost more than my house, and guess what talk…or if they really want to change things up, they all sit around and look at Facebook on their cell phones. Now let me tell you, you have never seen anything quite so dramatic and fierce as a bunch of girls looking at phones…unless you went to school in the past 15 years or pretty much have gone to any social gathering in the same time frame.

Then to really stir the pot, someone’s boyfriend might show up, and then they either talk, or go out to eat. The suspense on which they will choose is nerve racking. I mean, it’s a complete toss up! Who knows!? And the best part is, maybe Kanye West, one of the worst rappers alive, and possibly the dumbest and most conceited man I have ever read about, maybe, just maybe, will show up. I really have no idea though. Spoiler free there!!!

The only okay thing about this show is that the 3, 4, 5…? starring girls, (not the mom and her husband trying to be a girl) are all rather pleasant to look at.

Don’t Worry Boys and Girls, There’s Plenty Of Cleavage To Go Round

 

Though if I had as much plastic surgery as some of them have and spent 4 hours putting 13 pounds of makeup on, or rather, probably have someone else do it for me, then I imagine I would be pretty smokin’ too.

I want to cry when I think how much money we make for them, though admittedly they do make plenty for themselves too.

All I can say is that Kardashian is not recognized by my spell check, so there is peace of mind that at least my computer has not heard of them. Phew…

End Rant

 

Images from http://www.ibtimes.com, http://www.christiantoday.com, http://www.youtube.com, dailyfinance.com, http://www.asiannews.it, http://www.dailymail.co.uk, hustletv.tv, http://www.dailymail.co.uk, http://www.fanshare.com, http://www.pinterest.com http://www.cosmopolitan.com

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Movie Series Ranked: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

TMNT_OutOfTheShadows_Logo_Color

With the release of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows only a few weeks away, I thought it would be a good time to go back and watch the five feature films made about the four brothers and their master rat.

UPDATE: Movie has been released and I added it to the ranks.

This was especially exciting for me, for I haven’t watched the original trilogy since I was a kid, and at least five years since I watched TMNT. I loved the original three when I was a lad, so I was very curious to see if it was just because of my childish mind, or because they are actually good movies.

If you haven’t been able to tell, I loved anything that had to do with the ninja turtles when I was little. I had about 100 toys, watched the movies all the time, loved the cartoon even more. They fascinated me to no end. So let’s see if that love for them still holds up 20 years later.

I will rank all six movies from worst to best. These are my own opinions.

WARNING!!! SOME SPOILERS!!!

 

#6: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Secret of the Ooze

This one surprised me, as it was by far my favorite growing up. And now I see why. This takes away all the darkness that was subtly hidden in tmnt, and turned everything into an incredibly child friendly and goofy movie.

I mean, the turtles hardly ever even use their weapons. Well, actually, Raphael and Mike don’t ever even take theirs out. Mike opts to use sausage links at one point, so there’s that. Leo uses his swords once to impale them into the ceiling so he can hang from them. Donny uses his staff all the time though. I guess the film felt that weapon was child friendly enough, probably because little kids hit each other with sticks all the time.Speaking of weapons, a lot of the fight scenes are very goofy as well.

The story is pretty good however, though it has a very disappointing ending. First there is the anti-climatic fight between the turtles and wolf and snapping turtle, whose names I will choose not to guess their spelling at. They absolutely destroyed the turtles each time they met, but throw Vanilla Ice in the mix, and the turtles stomp them. That sentence alone is enough to make this movie #6.

Immediately after that is one of the biggest let downs in movie history. They go through the trouble of creating one of the coolest villains ever, and he randomly goes nuts and kills himself within seconds. Even as a 4 year old kid or whatever, I was furious.

Overall, it’s not a great movie, but it is still entertaining, but just too childish to fully enjoy.

 

#5: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3: Turtles in Time

They took a big risk with this movie, and I give them respect for that, but man is it weird. The turtles switch places with ancient samurai to stop some bird loving trader from selling guns to stop some rebellion or something. Meanwhile, the samurai are in NYC getting babysat by the mighty Casey Jones, my favorite character in the whole series. What a let down.

The turtles themselves look like crap, the designers having opted to cover them in spots that just aren’t pleasing to the eye. Luckily, most of the movie they are wearing some bad samurai costumes that make their original appearance most welcome when they finally doff them.

So far I have done nothing but complain about this movie, so how is it #5? The action is much better than in the second one, and that’s why I like the ninja turtles most…when they are being ninjas and kicking butt.

When it is time to go home, two of them don’t want to because they are welcome and respected in that time, whereas in their real time and home, they must hide in the sewers for their whole lives. This part of the story is a little deeper than anything you could find in Secret of the Ooze and I liked that.

Again, not a great movie, but still entertaining.

 

#4: TMNT

This one takes the story to an interesting place, focusing on strengthening the sewer dwelling family who have become quite dysfunctional over the years, while the Foot clan and some statues take care of most of the action. It is a good story, and the CGI is quite amazing, even today. The fact that the whole movie was animated meant they could do a lot more with the stunts and what not seeing as the movie wasn’t tied down by human limitations.

There’s a lot of small nods to the older films, even the character relationships, like Casey and Raph’s competitive vigilantism.

But because the movie focused so much on not kicking butt, there was only like two or three scenes of the turtles actually fighting, and they were all rather short.

A different take on the turtles, and it really isn’t all that bad, but again, not great.

 

#3 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Out of the Shadows

After seeing the first in the rebooted series, I must admit I was disappointed with this one. I don’t know what it is about the second entries in tmnt movies, but this one felt like it was geared completely towards children. There were only a few fight scenes in the whole movie, and they were very fast and not that exciting. There was no martial art beat downs at all except for two foot clan ninjas who had a pretty sweet scene. The Foot were back to being ninjas in this as well, and they looked awesome.

The story was pretty good, focusing on the turtles wish of being normal so that they could live their lives in the streets of NYC, instead of the shadows of the sewers, hence the movie title.TMNT-2-rocksteady-bebop-pointofgeeks

The movie also brought classic TMNT villains, Bepop, Rocksteady and Krang. These 3 were always my favorites, so this was very exciting for me. And the actors who played them were wonderful, adding a lot of humor to the film.

Casey Jones is a welcome addition to the film also, though his part is very small, but is a lot of fun to watch. His part is much bigger than that of Vernon’s, the sort of male protagonist from the first film. I rather enjoyed him, but unfortunately it seemed like he was only put in this movie because it wouldn’t make sense to cut him completely.

 

Also returning is April O’Neil of course. She did a great job in the film, but every time she was on film, it seemed like she was posing, or the camera was looking at her at an angle that brought out her best features during whatever it was she was doing. This is not a bad thing, especially when it’s Megan Fox playing her, but it becomes distracting and awkward at times.

Though I was overall disappointed with this new film, it is still good. I honestly felt like I was watching the 90’s cartoon all over again, in a live action adaptation, so that is pretty cool.

 

#2 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)

This is by far the darkest and most adult movie of the series. For the time, it was an incredibly impressive movie. It focused on the crime wave of the Foot Clan, giving a sense of unease for all the characters, never knowing if they will be attacked next. Splinter gets bloodied up, Raph gets the tar kicked out of him, the turtles fight both each other and the Foot in some nice fight scenes, one of which takes place where April is losing all her possessions, along with her late fathers entire legacy he left behind. Pretty dark stuff, if you want to look at it that way. There’s some intense sexual tension between the two human lead characters that is humorous to watch as well. Real adult stuff…

Casey Jones…Each face is more lovable than the last

Speaking of the lead characters, Casey Jones is the most magnificent character in this movie by far. He’s a total bad ass. He beats up Raph, schools some juveniles and beats the crap out of Shredders number two guy. No one is safe as long as there is sports equipment around him! On top of all that, he is a handyman and a sarcastic, hilarious jerk, while being the nicest guy at the same time.

All that stuff being said, the movie is kind of boring (when Casey is not on scene) and again this has an anti-climatic and overall unsatisfying ending, though at least Shredder kicks some serious butt for a while and Casey Jones kind of takes your mind off the bad ending by simply saying “oops.”

This is not a great movie either, but entertaining enough-Starting to sound familiar?

 

#1 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)

This probably surprises pretty much everybody, as I am the only one I know who actually likes this movie, though I am still waiting for a worthwhile reason that makes this movie any worse than the others.

This movie takes pretty much everything that was good about the first movie and modernizes it. Splinter gets bloodied up, Raph gets the tar kicked out of him, it focuses on the Foot Clan crime wave, who are more like terrorists than poorly trained ninja in this one, which I like, because it keeps the films modern feel. Seeing the Foot Clan go toe to toe with the turtles in their cute little black garb would have just been laughable and dumb looking. The build up to see the turtles was pretty good in the original film, and I believed they pulled from that and amplified it for this movie. It was really astounding. Two scenes of the turtles dominating the Foot without anyone, including the viewer getting a good view of them really built up the excitement of when they finally were revealed.

The turtles themselves have been given a HUGE makeover, and I find it to be welcome, because again, it fits the setting and feel of the movie. They also really individualize each turtle, taking their classic personalities and building off of them so that they no longer look identical with just a colored mask to tell them apart, and I have to say, this is a great improvement. Their appearances alone gives you an idea of their interests and attitudes without them having to say one word. I also give huge respect to the designers for taking such a huge risk to drastically change such iconic characters. Props to you guys!

The action scenes completely blow away anything the ninja turtles have ever done before, having the benefit of being made with today’s technology. And as I said before, that’s what I like best. And the turtles fight ferocious. They take their mutations to a whole new level in this movie, with super strength and all sorts of fun advantages, but they are all things you would expect based on their appearances, not some random power that comes out of nowhere.

The other non mutant leads were great too. Megan Fox was great as April, and infinitely better looking than the actresses from the original series, for those looking for some eye candy.

 

 

Will Arnett’s character was also a welcome addition to the series, adding even more humor on top of the turtles. His character was well written and portrayed beyond comedic relief, as he had an emotional side that I couldn’t help but feel bad for, especially when all his advances on April are shut down, and an admirable heroic side to him, resulting in him being a pretty useful character instead of someone who is just “there.”

The one big downside to this movie is the main villain, other than Shredder, Eric Sachs (spelling?). I don’t know if it was purposely written like this, but he just had some terrible lines and it always felt awkward when he was on screen. Plus, his motivation to be evil was just pointless and stupid. If they just wrote him out completely and made Shredder the one and only bad guy, the movie would have been much better off.

Overall, I thought this was by far the best movie out of all them, but mostly because it has modern day technology on its side. The original trilogy didn’t really age well to fairly compete.

In conclusion, I would say that none of these movies are good, but they are not bad either. I felt myself longing for something more by the end of each film, but the empty feeling just happened to be a little more shallow for some movies compared to others.

 

 

 

Images from,www.toyhypeusa.com, opinionmoviegoer.blogspot.com, turtlepedia.wikia.com,  http://www.justjared.com, youtube.com, http://www.reddit.com, heavy.com, forums.superherohype.com, http://www.pinterest.com, fromplaygroundstopolitics.com, source.superherostuff.com, comingsoon.net

Captain America: Civil War Quick Review (No spoilers)

Oh my lord, this movie is one of the best movies, if not the best movie ever made. I can’t wait to go see it again.

The action scenes are the greatest in any movie without a doubt. The story is fantastic as well.

Go see it, please. You will love it.

This picture alone makes me want to go see it…again…

Nostalgia Goodies In Eminem’s “Marshal Mathers LP 2” Part 2

Welcome to part 2 of my comb through the “Marshal Mathers LP 2,” looking for any specific call outs or throwbacks to his older albums and songs. This is a continuation that starts from the eleventh track to the end of the album. You can read about tracks 1-10 here.

Track 11: Stronger Than I Was

Nothing here, as it’s a more slow, serious song.

Track 12: The Monster

Other than the fact that he does this song with Rihanna, like he did one with her on “Recovery,” there is nothing here.

Track 13: So Far…

At 2:58 the beat abruptly changes to a toned down version of I’m Back from the “Marshal Mathers LP.” While this happens, he raps “the other day someone got all elaborate and stuck a head from a fucking dead cat in my mailbox.” This coincides with the beat of I’m Back because one of the lyrics in that song is “I cut a kitten’s head off and stuck it in this kid’s mailbox.”

Immediately after the last one, the beat switches to The Real Slim Shady from the “Marshal Mathers LP” as he says “went to Burger King, they spit on my onion rings,” a throw back to the line “he cold be working at Burger King, spitting on your onion rings.”

Track 14: Love Game

Great song, but no throwbacks.

Track 15: Headlights

There are no specific throw backs, but the entire song is basically an apology to his mother for all the songs and lyrics he wrote about her. He especially regrets Cleaning Out My Closet from “The Eminem Show.”

Track 16: Evil Twin

Through the chorus and one more spot in the song, sound clips of Royce da 5’9s” lyrics “I see my evil twin who gives me an evil grin,” or certain words from this lyric can be heard. The line is from Bad Meets Evil’s The Reunion off of their album “Hell: The Sequel.”

At 4:31, Eminem sort of introduces “Slim Shady” into the song, whose first word is “Hi,” spoken in the same way as he does on the song that introduced him, My Name Is from “The Slim Shady LP.”

That’s that for disc 1. The five songs on disc 2 contain no throwbacks.

 

 

 

Images from 4music.blogfa.com, moviepilot.com