Tournament Of Hotties: Impossibly Hot Women, Round 1 (Part 4)

Welcome to the final part of Round 1, where the last four ladies will face off! Check out parts 1, 2 and 3 to catch yourself up and to check out some more impossibly hot women.

Now without further ado, we go!

 

Brooklyn Decker

VS

Kim Kardashian

All right, let’s start off with Brooklyn, the inhumanly hot blond. I first discovered her in the movie Just Go With It. For anyone who has seen this movie, they know that she is the star of it. And that is simply because she is so stinkin’ amazingly gorgeous in it. She looks amazing in every scene, and with her humongous boobs and perfect figure, your eyes are drawn to her like the tractor beam from the Death Star. Except you wish you could be pulled inside her and I promise you would never want to escape. Her allure in that movie is increased 10fold because she seems to be in a bikini half of it, which is a gift from the heavens for sure, for this girl’s body is meant to be in a bikini and nothing but, except for nothing…butt…

Just Go With It was her first film, so upon some research, I discovered that I was not the only one who felt that her body belonged in a scanty swimsuit. Assuming these pictures are all before this movie, it turns out she had a career in modeling such beachwear. Sports Illustrated seemed to have a keen interest in her, alongside every male on the planet. She was even a cover girl! Now… prepare to be amazed…

 

So yeah, she is perfect. Her barely containable breasts combined with that flawless, sexy figure is enough to make her the source of every person on Earth’s dreams. Seriously, this woman is the body all bikinis are made for. No one looks as good as her in one.

Next up we have Kim Kardashian, as much as I hate to say it. I hate everything about the Kardashians, except their looks. My God, those five girls are truly attractive people. In fact if this was a bigger line up of women, there would probably be a spot for all 5 of them at some point. But we are here to focus on the most famous sister, Kim.

She’s famous for having a sex tape, which should automatically make you know this woman is hot. But that is not how I discovered her. I found out about her through magazine covers. When I worked in a supermarket, the magazine racks were by the registers, and as I walked by, I would always catch glimpses of the headlines and all the useless crap that I am baffled people care about when it comes to celebrities and all that.

For years and years, the cover was always about Brad Pitt and impossibly hot Angelina Jolie. Dumb crap detailing every uninteresting nook of their lives. But then someone started to break that trend. Some brunette started showing up on a different cover every week, in a different colored bikini, on a different beach.

I had no idea who she was, and I never looked for a name. My eyes were too busy staring at the incredibly hot woman on the cover. It wasn’t for like a year after weekly bikini shots that I learned her name…Kim Kardashian. Back then it sounded sexy. Now that last name makes me cringe.

Anyway, remember when I just said Brooklyn Decker is the body made for bikinis, that no one could look better in one than her?

Well my friends, I think she’s got a rival. She didn’t get on all those covers for nothing.

 

Holy Molie! This beauty has a perfect hourglass figure, huge boobs and a big ol’ butt. Her boobs might be a bit smaller than Brooklyn’s but those small pieces of cloth still struggle to hold those babies in. My goodness, this women too was born to wear a bikini. Seriously, I can’t get over how good she looks…

Both of these women’s careers seem to be based off of looking hot, so the ultimate question is, which is hotter? Which wears the bikini better?

While both are perfect specimens of the human body, this woman is just a tad hotter.

 

Victor

Kim K

Kim Kardashian

Though for the record, Brooklyn looks better in a bikini, but Kim is just all around hotter.

And now we have the last two women to finish off Round 1!

Kendell Jenner

VS

Alexandria DeBerry

Dang, what hotties to finish off this round!!

To start, remember when I said that Kim Kardashian and her sisters are all extremely hot? Well, Kendell is hot enough to compete with Kim for a chance to be crowned the most impossibly hot woman of all time!

I don’t really know how I came to know of her. As far as I know, she became famous for being Kim’s sister. But I distinctly remember officially becoming aware of her when I saw this picture…Kendell Jenner Perfect Body selfie

I instantly became infatuated with her. That body is as perfect as they come. For a girl whose entire family makes a living by taking hot pictures of themselves, you couldn’t ask for a better body to do so than this one. Simply put, it is draw dropping. Add that to the fact that she has a gorgeous face, and you’ve got an impossibly hot woman on your hands.

But don’t take my word for it!

 

Her stature and expression hint at a sweet little cutie and at the same time, a sexy, experimental, fearless hottie. And that is big points baby!! While her small breasts don’t give her the bikini body that her sister has, she unmistakably has a better body in general.

The final girl we have to talk about is the amazingly beautiful Allie DeBerry. I discovered her from a show called A.N.T. Farm. She played the dimwitted sidekick of the most beautiful and popular girl in school.

allie deberry ant farm
Allie’s the one of the left

The ironic part about this is that, while they both look great in cheerleader uniforms, Allie is far hotter, what with her tall, slender body, beautiful face and long hair, the other girl could never dream of being as good looking. And I seriously doubt she could compete with Allie wearing these “clothes”.

Oh my God!!! This girl has an hourglass figure like I have never seen before. She has “it” in all the right places, and I just love that super long hair. It goes so well with her tall, sexy body.

allie deberry bikini

I mean, just look at it. She is ridiculously hot. Definitely not of this world. And literally every inch of her has this perfect, toned, muscly hotness to her, as if her skeletal structure is perfect as well, beyond that of anyone else on Earth. Her shoulders, her elbows, her…everything, just seems so different and so hot. Again…not of this Earth. It is like God himself chiseled here out of a fleshy slab to show the world what a woman should look like.

So both girls have perfect bodies, a sexy aura about them, and look totally sweet and sexy. Which is hotter then? Despite how good they both look, this is a no contest bout.

Victor

alexandria-deberry-is-a-former_t31e49c2d

Alexandria DeBerry

I wish Kendell managed to beat her, for it would have been interesting for her to face off with Kim…oh well…

There you have it. The advancing 8 impossibly hot women have been decided! See you in Round 2!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Keeping Up With The Kardashians Needs To Die

Start Rant

I have had the misfortune the past few Sunday nights (I think it was that day) of being in the same room while my wife made herself become dumber by joining every other girl I know, and I am assuming half of the world’s female population, that is, I’m hoping it is no more than half, in watching the somehow successfulĀ Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

So successful thathglkkh…Sorry I just fell off my chair. I just looked it up.

12

There are 12 seasons of this garbage. All I can ask myself is how? My faith in humanity and the future of this world died well over a decade ago, but I have been brought to new lows. This show is bad, and stupid, and really, really, bad. Oh and it’s also boring. So boring it should be banned from television and wiped from all the unfortunate souls who have seen or heard this.

I have only witnessed maybe a half hour collectively of the show since, I guess, season…cringe…12 started up, and within 10 seconds of listening to them drone on about literally nothing infuriates me to the point of wanting to burn down my house for having a television that had that show on stand in my living room. My house is tainted from the sound waves that carried the shows audio. That is something that you can not just wipe off people! It needs to be burned, and it needs to be purged and stomped from this earth. I need to burn the ashes of my house and then throw them in the ocean and evaporate said ocean with some amazing laser that delivers the direct heat of the sun and explodes…ok that’s enough.

It is just bad. For those lucky enough to have never seen it, or somehow managed to find wives and girlfriends who have not seen it, allow me to explain it. Don’t worry, it’s quite simple.

Imagine you, your siblings, and parents all have video cameras, which they probably do anyway. Now imagine someone was filming them ALL DAY with those cameras. Now edit them all together into an hour long show and whammo. You’ve got “Keeping Up With (Insert Last Name Here).” Oh yeah, but pretend you are millionaires, don’t have jobs or any real problems in your life.

I don’t know about you, but my life is not at all interesting enough to make a show about it, and I’m willing to bet yours isn’t either. But don’t let that stop you, because it sure didn’t get in the way of the Kardashians! Believe me when I tell you they do not have interesting lives at all.

AT ALL!!!!!!

Their lives are about as exciting as the color white

Let me take you through a few of the scenes I remember seeing, the few my memory did not repress completely. I would say spoilers ahead, but nothing happens in this show that anyone could possibly care about. But I obviously am wrong cause again, 12 seasons. Oh my god, I literally just got nauseous seeing that number again.

Hold on to your hats and hair extensions ladies and gentlemen, cause here comes the first scene in my scarred memory. Two of the girls sitting on the couch, and talking about…

EYE LASHES!

That’s right folks…eye lashes…I don’t remember the specifics of the conversation, but man, it had to last like around 2 minutes. That doesn’t sound like much, but 2 minutes of one conversation on television is a very long time. I had never been so bored in my life. I’d rather listen to two chickens cluck at each other every so often. It would have been more intelligent conversation than these two girls!

Girl on right is freaking out because she can’t see girl on lefts eyelashes. But maybe this is a good thing? Maybe her eye lashes are not worthy of television!!? Such is the mystery and draw of this show

 

Hey Reggie, do you think there is a god? And if so, why did he make everything taste like us? That really does not bode well for our survival…

And remember, I was not giving my full attention to this show. I was playing Pokemon on my 3DS or something in the same room, and suddenly I found myself wanting to jump in my game and strangle my Kanghaskan and his little baby in the pouch, that’s how aggravatingly boring it was.

Another part I remember is like an obscene amount of time spent on one of the women being so nervous about going to NYC for a fashion show or something. Oh no, it was an interview on some TV show. But one of them was nervous about a fashion show probably, don’t worry. Others complain about what to wear to such and such occasion, so and so didn’t defend her sister when someone disliked something on Facebook. You know, all the problems real people have, our day to day struggles just to get by and survive paycheck to check, if we even get one. Those problems somehow seem minute compared to our darling Kardashians. Clearly every viewer flocks to listen to them talk about the “problems,” so that they can feel better about their own. Our lives are so much better than these poor women that I feel truly blessed at how we benefit from the wealth in this country.

 

 

 

But to really sum up the show for you, here is what happens. They lounge around in their various mansions, talk, go out to some fancy restaurant while they talk about what they want to order. If we are really lucky, we get to watch them eat it too! And they talk in between mouthfuls of course.

Then they are back on their couches that probably cost more than my car, in their fancy clothes that cost more than my house, and guess what talk…or if they really want to change things up, they all sit around and look at Facebook on their cell phones. Now let me tell you, you have never seen anything quite so dramatic and fierce as a bunch of girls looking at phones…unless you went to school in the past 15 years or pretty much have gone to any social gathering in the same time frame.

Then to really stir the pot, someone’s boyfriend might show up, and then they either talk, or go out to eat. The suspense on which they will choose is nerve racking. I mean, it’s a complete toss up! Who knows!? And the best part is, maybe Kanye West, one of the worst rappers alive, and possibly the dumbest and most conceited man I have ever read about, maybe, just maybe, will show up. I really have no idea though. Spoiler free there!!!

The only okay thing about this show is that the 3, 4, 5…? starring girls, (not the mom and her husband trying to be a girl) are all rather pleasant to look at.

Don’t Worry Boys and Girls, There’s Plenty Of Cleavage To Go Round

 

Though if I had as much plastic surgery as some of them have and spent 4 hours putting 13 pounds of makeup on, or rather, probably have someone else do it for me, then I imagine I would be pretty smokin’ too.

I want to cry when I think how much money we make for them, though admittedly they do make plenty for themselves too.

All I can say is that Kardashian is not recognized by my spell check, so there is peace of mind that at least my computer has not heard of them. Phew…

End Rant

 

Images from http://www.ibtimes.com, http://www.christiantoday.com, http://www.youtube.com, dailyfinance.com, http://www.asiannews.it, http://www.dailymail.co.uk, hustletv.tv, http://www.dailymail.co.uk, http://www.fanshare.com, http://www.pinterest.com http://www.cosmopolitan.com