The Six Worst Movies Ever Made

There are a ton of bad moves out there. Some are so bad that they are good. Some have extremely low budgets, so they really have no chance at being very good. Some are bad, but watchable.

The five movies I am going to talk about today are five movies that tried really hard to be good, with full budgets and had large notoriety, big actors, (for the most part), but were just nearly impossible to get through.

Sucker Punch

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I saw this 2011 film directed by Zack Snyder a very long time after a couple people raved about it and forced me to watch it. It’s about some strippers or something who go around killing stuff to rescue something or someone. I really can’t remember. The only thing that stuck with me was how boring, stupid, and plain-awful it is. It was really tough to get through and made me pretty annoyed, something you wouldn’t think all that possible given the costumes the girls had…

Fifty Shades of Grey

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Like every internet trend, my wife got swept up with this one when this book series became wildly popular. Then when the movie came out, she just had to see it, which meant I got dragged along with it.

The books sounded awful, and judging by the movie, I was right. Every scene is so pointless and boring. Random, impassionate sex over and over, or boring talking scenes. I don’t remember too much, but I think I was tapping my foot impatiently throughout the whole thing.

Like, it’s about crazy rough sex right? And the girl wants it, and despite being warned multiple times, when it gets a little too rough for her, she runs away, thinking the guy is a psycho. Like, come on!

Anyway, the movie began to catch my interest eventually, and then it ended out of nowhere. Like, my interest was caught in literally the last five minutes of the film, maybe even the last two minutes. But not enough to see the sequel.

Brokeback Mountain

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This movie is hard to swallow. Two men (Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger)  who seem to dislike each other greatly, as there very few conversations indicate while doing some sheep herding for cash, out of nowhere jump to immediate butt sex with nothing but some chilly weather and booze as the catalyst.

The two men then don’t see or even talk to each other for several years, and then maybe only once a year or so afterwards, but by-God, that one summer forged an unbreakable love affair that even their wives and children can’t hold a candle to. It eventually culminates to them being old, looking back on their lives wishing they made the choice to stay together.

The whole thing is very unbelievable and a whole lot of stupid.

 

The Bling Ring

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I don’t know if this movie starring Emma Watson is bad itself, but really the source material might be the problem here. Not the event that it’s based off of, but the people involved in it.

The movie is based off of a string of burglaries known as the Hollywood Hills burglaries if memory serves correct. The trouble lies with the fact that the burglaries were committed by teenagers. Teenage people are awful, and very tough to watch live their lives, for the most part. Teenagers growing up in California in a highly-wealthy area with rich parents is a bad start, which leads to these teens having no grasp on what it’s like to actually live and don’t understand consequences and misery because they’ve had such privileged lives and thus think they can do whatever they want and think it’s okay because their parents will bail them out. This makes teenagers even more unbearable to watch 100fold.

And so we are treated to a couple hours of absolute high-class scum of the Earth obsessed with celebrities, drugs, and fitting in, and it’s very hard to sit through. My goodness.

This one might be worse for me thanks to my overall dislike of people.

Spring Breakers

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This, ladies and gentlemen, is the absolute worst movie I have ever seen and the only movie I have failed to finish. My wife wanted to see this because again, like the rest of the world, she had an unnatural obsession with Selena Gomez. Spoilers, she’s in the movie for like 15 minutes. She leaves to let her dirt bag friends do all the naughty things.

That’s all this movie is. A bunch of waste-of-life teenagers doing crimes in bright yellow bikinis. There are a lot of bikinis and nudity in this, which sounds awesome, but damn, I couldn’t get through more than a half hour. It’s so stupid, and pointless, every scene is awkward and the sex and nudity all seems forced and out of nowhere.

It’s like they were trying to do what the American Pie movies did, that is, show teenagers deal with growing up, but added more sluts and gangster activities in it. God, it’s so bad.

Are these the worst movies ever made? Not likely, but as I said, they are high-profile movies that I personally find to be very unbearable to watch.

Edit: Actually this is probably the worst movie ever made…

My Neighbor Totoro

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This movie is just…atrocious. The little kids are annoying, but not nearly as annoying as the ridiculous roar from Totoro. Oh yeah, nothing happens in this movie either. But I did somehow finish it. Which is regretful. So maybe Spring Breakers is worse.

 

 

 

Tournament Of Hotties: Adam Sandler’s Lovely Leading Ladies- Round 2, Part 1

Adam Sandler has done a lot of movies, most of them romantic comedies, and he typically has a very attractive woman as the person he is romancing, so it’s time to pit all the wives, girlfriends, partners in some way that he has had among all his movies to see who is the ultimate hottie!

I can’t make any promises that I didn’t miss any, for there’s quite a few and it’s been years (like in the decades) since I’ve seen a lot of these, or I’ve only seen them once and don’t remember, but I’ll do my best to find them all!

Note that I will be judging the women as their characters, and not the actresses themselves, for we will likely see them before and after their films were made.

Check out all of round 1 listed here to catch up. Now let’s begin round 2. Things should get steamy!

 

Bout #1

Veronica Vaughn (Billy Madison)

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Veronica Vaughn. So hot, want to touch the hiney.

Billy Madison says it all.

She’s clearly a very beautiful woman with a great body, both when she was younger, and older.

 

VS

Holly Sullivan (The Wedding Singer)

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Her wavy hair in this movie drives me wild.

Absolutely gorgeous.

 

Both of these women are very attractive, but there’s something off about Veronica’s face that keeps her from becoming completely beautiful. Plus Holly is better looking in every category anyway.

Victor

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Holly Sullivan (The Wedding Singer)

 

Bout #2

 

Vicki Vallencourt (The Water Boy)

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If only the camera were pointed a little lower…

She’s not bad looking and has a great body, but she’s nothing spectacular.

 

VS

Vanessa (Big Daddy)

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I still can’t get over how good she looks in that dang bra.

Turns out that bra is concealing perfection. This is one hot blond with an incredible body.

This is an easy choice.

 

Victor

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Vanessa (Big Daddy)

 

Bout #3

 

Valerie Veran (Little Nicky)

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So her character isn’t good-looking, but what about the actress?

Her boobs seemed to have quadrupled in size as she aged. But she’s still not the best looking woman ever.

 

VS

Pam Dawson (Mr. Deeds)

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The beautiful alter-ego of Babe Bennett. Let’s see what this woman has to offer as neither of these characters, shall we?

She’s very sexy, and yet at the same time, not. Regardless, she’s not someone you would pass up a night with.

 

Victor

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Pam Dawson (Mr. Deeds)

 

Bout #4

 

Linda (Anger Management)

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She’s decent looking in the film, but how about the actress?

Wow, she’s actually pretty sexy and hot.

 

VS

Deborah Clasky (Spanglish)

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She’s a pretty beautiful woman.

When it comes down to it, both of these girls could likely show you a good time, but this one seems a little more wild, and definitely is sexier in her film.

Victor

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Linda (Anger Management)

 

Bout #5

 

Donna Newman (Click)

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God, she’s so beautiful. I can’t wait to see what else she has to offer.

Those legs…phew. She’s a hot cookie, that’s for sure.

 

VS

Alex McDonough

(I Now Pronounce You Check & Larry)

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Wow. Alex is facing off with another extremely hot woman. Let’s see if she can compete.

That is one smokin’ hot female.

This is a really tough bout as both of these women steal the show. Both have perfect bodies, beautiful faces…perfect everything.

But Alex is yet again going to eliminate another hot woman that should make it in the later rounds. The reason Alex pulls ahead is because she wears such sexy things in her movie, and looks jaw-dropping in each outfit.

But like we did with Dalia, I think Donna deserves a special send off, so here ya go!

 

Victor

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Alex McDonough

(I Now Pronounce You Check & Larry)

 

That’s it for now, see you in part 2!